The heart says ....

A good weekend spent, though it was tiring.  Had not been able to do this for quite some time already.  Too tired, too lazy.  Fought and wrestled with these feelings.  I won, alhamdulillah! And early Saturday morning, after fajr prayers told adik I wanted to go for brisk-walking.  I had to do it. It's been a while since I last did it.  Had not been feeling well these days.  So off we went.  A two point two kilometer walk.  That should be fine for a start.  It's two rounds around the whole condo area.  Adik jogged but I did simple exercises and brisk-walked.  Enough for me.   And we promised to do another few rounds on Sunday.  Yes, Sunday came and we kept our promises.  And it improved!  We did five rounds, and its five point five kilometers.  It felt so good... Hope it didn't stop at last weekend.  I needed that....badly.

My weekends had so far been so predictable - very much.  Predictable with activities arranged by others.  Words and requests were always an order.  It became a must.   Attending invitations, joining for breakfasts, lunches, dinners, visiting, etc, etc.  Can't even plan anything, it would definitely be spoiled.  Maybe because I was always there, each and every time whenever needed - I hardly say 'no'.  So 'no' cannot be my answer.  I know these are part of a 'family thing' but after a full five days at work, starting as early as 7.30 am and finishes as late as 8.30 pm, all I wanted is a weekend free from commitments,  doing things I love or doing nothing without feeling guilty, without having to find some lame excuses, without constructing unnecessary lies.  Plans after plans made had to be forgotten and put aside.  For someone who all this life had been saying 'yes', a 'no' do affect me.  Seriously, that was what I felt.  I can't help feeling guilty and uneasy.  For so many years, this 'yes' thing went on and on, ignoring what my actual inner-self had always been wanting to do.  Yes, you may ask - can't I find time?  My answer is - no, I can't.  By the time I reached home from work, body and mind dead-tired.  That much I can sum up my feelings.  The voices of my heart keeps screaming - come on, do something, wake up.  I heard it loud and clear.  But these voices died down and all failed.  With this tired body and mind, I succumbed to a very non-productive life.  Each day I woke up feeling scared and disappointed, to the extent of feeling sick.    Mental and physical were fighting with each other.  One wanted to do so much, the other one doesn't even have the energy ..  Seems that synchronization doesn't work anymore! Yes, no one to be blamed except me.  I ignored the voices of my heart.  When I talked to Allah each and every morning, I cried.  He heard me, yes.  And I believed Him.  He gave me those voices which I should hear.   Nonetheless, I am not complaining, Allah had given me the best.  All the above is just part of letting go.  It's all too cramped in my chest.  Painful at times.  It's not doing me any good.

And I am at a crossroad - please Allah help me make the choice, a right one.  I just want a simple life, getting old with less 'headache' or no headache at all!  InsyaAllah....

And someone looked sad this morning.  Hope she feels better now.  Just not the right time to get distracted.  Just be the support and strength, be an inspiration to each other through thick and thin, all'll be fine.  Do not lose focus.  Strive for all the dreams and goals.  And always remember the good times.... the happy times ....